"Life is difficult!"
I cry in deep despair tonight,
So an angel from heaven
Is sent to be by my side.

He swoops down on mighty wings
In tumultuous skies.
Black forces, pent up and waiting,
Strike him down as he flies.

In my dream, I see him.
I open up my eyes.
An angel stands there bleeding,
Injured and dying.

"Yes, life is difficult,"
The angel lets me know.
"You are stronger than me:
You have a human soul."

"You can repair my wounds;
You can restore my life;
You can keep me safe
Until I'm well and right."

The only way to keep an angel safe
Is to close your eyes and dream,
So I lay back to sleep
While he lays right next to me.

In my dream, I watch over him
Rather than him watching over me.
I touch his hand and feel his pain.
I see visions of him as a man.

"You are in love with this man.
He's a reflection of my light.
Someday, you'll be together,
But not in this lifetime."

As I heal the angel,
I wake up too soon.
I'm afraid of losing myself,
So I watch my angel disappear.

This life is difficult:
Everyone you love will die.
We all have human angels.
Please keep them safe and well.

I wish that I could be loved
To hold the hand of God
That stars shining above
Could ignite a lightning rod

Many years and days alone
I walked and prayed with you
I no longer know my home
I have searched to find your truth

I sat by you on this shore
Upon rocks in the sand
Waiting to be adored
Yet, refusing to take your hand

I hear these waves crash and die
Short lifespans savage, then gone
I feel so still inside
Always a bit withdrawn

I wish that I could be loved
To believe, to be with you
To touch and to be touched
As each night and day renew

mixed and tumbled
jumbled
semi-coherent
unapparent
yet inherent
lacking spirit

fake smiles
phony happiness
bitter
cutting
self destructing

not here
never found
inside out
gagged and bound
gone forever

tasteless but tasting
wasting, wasting, wasting
sick and sad
pitiful, with no pity
to be found

sinful without sinning
prideful
hiding all
by telling nothing
that's important

picture frames
empty, absent
gathering dust
boxes filled with stuff
unused, rusted

why continue?
dull, droning, dull
drawing on and on
just waiting for
the final song
while the credits roll

Little yellow duck strutting along
Quacking your song as you trot
Not a thought in your mind
Beside finding a bug
A tasty slug
To eat

Silly duck, you are without worry
No sorrow, no cares of tomorrow
Just a bit hungry, but that's it
What if you get sick?
You are far from home, alone
It's cold

Cute, tiny ducky, so very lucky
To have made it this far on the road
You don't even know the danger
Should a stranger notice you
Someone who isn't too keen
With you being happy

Little yellow duck plodding along
Still singing a ditty as you spot
A grub in a sidewalk crack
A tasty snack to munch on
Snap, you grab it up
To fill your belly

Smelly, slimy grub slithering by
You were just out for the day
When a big yellow thing appeared
Snatched you into the air
Now, you've disappeared
Like you were never
Even here

Here here here
I lie on the ground
Rooted down, scared to move
Not sure what to do
I'm frightened, trembling
I lie on the ground
Not making a sound
Pray it will go away

Fear fear fear
Heart beating, pumping
So incredibly loud
Panic and pain, shame
I'm too young to die
On this foreign land
Barely old enough
To even be a man

Where where where
Did my dreams vanish
To vanquish, overcome
Carry my country
Bring freedom, light, right
Fighting every day
Until I'm old and grey

Spear spear spear
In my heel piercing
Now I will never see
My future children
My wife beside me
Only the cold ground
A burial shroud
Covered, hidden, unclean

Cheer cheer cheer
This valiant tale
You speak of my battle
Make me immortal
Pass my story through
Each generation
Even though I failed
Every war needs a hero

The wind, the breeze cuts through, blows through, whips through me
Hits my face and slits my veins as I try to walk away
without thinking
As I try to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks
without blinking
without bringing up every memory of a happier day

Summer is almost here, yet the cold resounds, re-echoes my fear
Will winter ever pass? Will the chill, the frigid white snow melt
Letting daffodils fill the space, the place I continue to stay
without you
every day without you
every hour without you
The tears continue to burn my skin, drying, dripping onto my chin

I love you, yet not once did I ever voice those words since childhood
I love you, I cannot say it enough now
without sobbing
my heart throbbing
the pain robbing me from taking any action besides self-pity
Where I spend each day colorless, lifeless, hideously a zombie
Eating my own brain so the sadness will leave
Feasting on this grief

I claim I no longer care, in apathy, with despair
Afraid to lose you again by loving someone else
Replacing these images of you with his
ceasing to be able to limn your eyes
To describe how you were kind
forgetting every moment
blotting it from my mind

Now, this wind, this breeze ceases to shear my body
We walk along in tandem, companions, as I turn up my iPod to hear a song
with shuffle on
random
without repeat
Wiping, rubbing the tears from my cheek, I close my eyelids and begin to sing

I spied a white rabbit, pure as the snow
Running through the field
Running through the grass
Stopping a moment to lift his head into the air
Sniffing the breeze

I spied a white rabbit and loved him at once
His fur looked so soft and fluffy
He was beautiful, lovely
I wanted to pick him up
To take him home to hug

I spied a white rabbit and snuck up on him
Quietly tiptoeing without a sound
Slowly going one step at a time
So I could grab him and make him mine
Before he scooted off, terrified

I spied a white rabbit, but he didn't see me
He didn't know I even exist
He didn't suspect I was waiting nearby
To scoop him into my arms
Leaving his world far behind

I spied a white rabbit and oh how I tried
To make him my pet
To take the wild creature and tame it
When I touched his fur, though, he bit
His sharp teeth aren't nearly so cute
I guess (now he's dead), I'll be having rabbit soup

No-one exists for me
No-one will ever be
Neither here nor there
Nor anywhere
For eternity

No friend holds out a hand
No woman, no man
No-one cares I'm sad
My family can't be found
They're never around

Yes, this anger is eating me alive,
Tearing me up inside
It builds, it fills my brain
I can't pass a single day
Without feeling hurt,
Betrayed

My sanity has decayed
Until my very flesh is flayed
I'm cutting into the vein
To release the pain;
So I can let go of hate,
To finally think

Verily, I must admit:
I wish I had died
That last time I tried
I wish I felt more
Than unhappy and sore

I wish I weren't so bored
Tired of endless strife
Of my entire life
Really, what should I expect?
Life to be fair? The world to be perfect?

Am I even real?
Oftentimes, I can't feel a thing
You haven't ever felt the same
Yet you try to push the blame,
Ridicule and bully
Push me down

At this point, I've had enough
Enough of you, enough of me
Enough of being, yet never being free
Enough of people pretending
They understand who I really am
People who won't help,
Who say I shouldn't be sad

But I am sad
What choice do I have?

These scissors are rough
Not as sharp as a razor blade
Now, I just want to collect
Enough blood in this sink
To drain the evils
To flee--a small reprieve
From being me

Rather than to scream or shout
Or gouge my eyes wildly out
I want another route
I'd happily follow any other path,
I'd select any place but here
I'd pick any feelings
Anything but anger and fear

I just can't connect
While I keep feeling sick
Why do I bother to explain
You don't care or feel my pain,
So I'm giving up caring as well
About myself

No-one is here for me
No-one shall ever be
Anywhere at all
I am alone
For eternity

I am the day and the night
The dark and the light
The virgin queen
Perverse and obscene
Real but a dream

I am the pale moon shining down
Into your soul as you drown
With secrets you can never know
Whispered, inaudible
Quick, merciful and cold

I am the shade under the tree
As you rest your head to sleep
Moving with the breeze to hide
Cowardly leaving you behind
To be burnt and fried

I am empty yet I have all
Beautiful, divine, terrible
A vision incomplete
I cannot be seen
Unless you truly believe

I am gold and dust
Pure, worthless, unloved
Without your love

I won't ask for anything
Other than everything
Until you have nothing

I hold your birth and life
I pick when you will die
I stand outside of time

Who am I?

Someday, someday
In muted yellow and grey
I will lay down to die
Bound by the earth
Bound by the sky

One day, one day
My body will be free from pain
I shall leave it behind
Out from the ground
Out I will fly

Today, today
The time passes as I wait
Torn, sodden, and half-blind
I long to go
Yet, I want to be alive

I embrace these sweet patterns
arise from cold cold embers
to inhale swift pains in Hell

his designs
burnt into my eyes
silent orbs
inducing
reducing
seducing
depth

blush flushed and forced
piercing through the flesh
words barely read instead
in eulogy a voice low and hoarse
prior to my burial march

hearing the cries echo
searing into dull aches
when all is empty and without taste
"Such a waste" repeated
until it has no meaning
only shame

draped in black within a hearse
the line steady
irreversible without rehearsal
my parents trailing
plodding ahead
old age outliving youth

in my coffin
somehow lips and cheeks still vigorous red
amidst the blue blue skin
lids forced open

jasmine and incense
impart traces of stranger scents
from a mortician's embalming fluids
set beside the pallor of death

the last scoop of earth
shoved onto this berth
the final resting place
but not my end

here I live
but not in peace

here I lie
yet I did not die

here I smile
with a smile that doesn't reach my eyes
painted onto curled ruby lips
muted and terrible
despised

a demon lives in me
silently bleeding
unfeeling, unseen
broodingly dark
never free
never leaving

there is a demon
who fills my heart
takes all my energy
tears me apart
until I'm stark
yet unclean

this demon picks my bones
gnawing me down, empty
never alone from the cries
yet alone all the time
frighted and blighted
terrified

Damn you, Demon, be gone!
What did I do so wrong?
To have you by my side
To listen to you
In my mind
Whispering words unkind

Demon, you are blind
You need my body to thrive
You need me but I
Do not need you
Once I'm dead,
What will you do?

Let me turn out the light
Snuff the candle wick
Flick off the switch
On all that's sick
No, it's not another trick
So go back to Hell,
You Bitch

shooting, shrieking stars of suffering
anguish amidst our angst
we angry apparitions who dance
moving in misery
mercurial motions of the zombie mob
present yet history
rotting and robbed

cohesive absent cognizant thought
crazed easily by carnal delights
fleshy flights of fancy
enthralled, entranced, endless
such frenzied fantasies glut our corrupt minds
while trace memories attract us
with the artifacts of life

plummeting into a bottomless pit
bound by ethereal, eternal night
smiling still as we slide and swirl
hungering for our humanity
incomplete, needing, greeding
feeding
never full

i

Bright, filling up the night
No clouds obstructing the light
No colors taking away
By the blueness of the day

Slowly charting across the sky
The moon rises to an apex
In glimmering, majestic height
Offering the only way

These shadows that surround
Which once I feared to walk through,
Or to leave their midst
Rather to drown, comforted in death

Even a bit of light fills my emptiness
Wiping away the dark
Just as a fire started by a single spark
Drives off the cold

ii

So, I must leave my soul to seek you
Push my thoughts aside
As I embrace the divine
I become complete

When I abandon all belief
When I allow compassion to be my guide
The golden rule will shine
And my enemy is my own reflection

Yet, I am not wise enough to leave
My vision is not strong enough
I cannot see to follow
But if we join together
When we walk together, we both become better

So if I fall or you stumble
Our hands would hold fast
In good times, in bad
Not clutching the past
Until the last

iii

For my entire life, I was outside
Yet still stuck inside my mind
Ego, cynical, a black hole
Waiting to be filled with earth
In the grave since birth

Always using clever words to hurt
One with the dark
Hiding from the blinding sun
Closing my eyes

Silver moon, your rays are softer
Less harsh than those of day
Your gentle shafts shimmer
To brush away these shades
Opening up my sight

You have shown me your beauty and your light
Wherein the sharp sadness was stealing
Whilst revealing I existed as just a specter
A spectator who floated about
Without the touch of your purest love

My heart is no longer broken
I let it go and you healed
Thank you, God, for giving me a chance
Real at last, I am no longer a ghost
Finally, I can feel

Form One

I wonder why I should bother to care
I look inside me and nothing is there
I want to die but hope remains
I want to live without these invisible chains
that restrain

I used to believe I would find my love
A man to accept me, the only one
So perfect, true, idealized
Finally, I grew up and then I realized
the lie

I am meant to be alone for all time
Fantasizing a touch which is not mine
Stroking his hair, while parted lips
Breathlessly slip into his soft, gentle kiss
with bliss

Oh, heavenly glow when two parts become whole
When hearts combine to find a partner soul
When colors burst into a rainbow of heat
Two heart rhythms sharing a single beat

A vision seductive, maddeningly so
Pushing and pulling my thoughts to and fro
Adrift in a sea of painful needs and wants
Where the man of my dreams beckons and taunts

So, why won't I accept just anyone?
Why am I picky, expecting too much?
I simply want to find this man
My love, my one true companion
my equal

Form Two

I wonder why I should bother to care
I look inside me and nothing is there
I want to die but hope remains
I want to live without restraint

I used to believe I would find my love
Someone to accept me, the only one
So perfect, true, idealized
Until I realized the lie

I will be alone for the rest of time
Fantasizing a touch which is not mine
Stroking soft hair, while parted lips
Breathlessly slip into a kiss

Oh, heavenly glow when two parts become whole
When hearts combine to find a partner soul
When colors burst into a rainbow of heat
Two heart rhythms sharing a single beat

A vision seductive, maddeningly so
Pushing and pulling my thoughts to and fro
Adrift in a sea of painful needs and wants
Where this image from my dreams beckons and taunts

So, why won't I accept just anyone?
Why am I picky, expecting so much?
I simply want to find the one
My love, my true companion, my equal

I've destroyed your joy, your happiness
Cut you into pieces with bits of glass
I never realized the power I had
To tear you up and make you feel sad
Every tear that falls as you cry, as you bawl
It's all my fault

I've destroyed your entire life, your pride
When I made you my embittered wife
Took away every shred of decency
Snatched away your morals and beliefs
Left you tossed about in a sea of doubts
Threw you out to sink

I've brought you to the brink gasping for air
Without anyone who even cared
Without a friend to hold your hand
No-one to bring you safely back to land
Then when you did come back to earth
I let you die of thirst
In a thankless desert

I wonder why I've been so mean
Why haven't I seen what you've seen?
I can't visualize this monster you describe
The reflection of me in your beautiful eyes
The man who you blame for each and every thing
Even the cheapness of your blessed wedding ring

I wish I had known I was such scum
Now, I do, so really--thank you
For letting me know I'm an unfeeling asshole
Oh yes, I'll leave you alone
Continue to rant; scream all you can
Keep up your childish act

I hope you realize as much as you despise
To accept anything real in your pitiful life
That you won't get what you want anymore
I am throwing you back to that lonely shore,
My hands won't pull you back from the edge
Go ahead, jump off that ledge
To find your happiness, peace

As for me, I'm going to leave

Mirror mirror on this wall
I can't seem to find my face
Am I lucid? Awake?
Why do I disintegrate
When I touch the silver surface
Slither through, slip into
The other side

So cold within
I know I've died, yet here
Is where I remain
Why don't I disappear?
Not even my despair
Can repair my disgrace
Nothing can start this lifeless heart
Nor replace the lives I must take
The innocent blood I taste
Each day

I trace
My finger along the cracked glass
Thinking back to when
A simple cut, a slash
On my skin would make me cringe
The very sight of blood
I would turn away
Now, the very nourishment
I crave
Without it I go insane

Everything was about me
Never considered another
No true friend nor lover
Any tears I cried were for me
Fixated on my pain

To be or not to be
Without meaning for me
If I must endure
Without living, without seeing
Never believing, always deceiving

Narcissism, sin, self-loathing my skin
A wolf wearing a wolf's clothing
Never pretending to care
While pretending I was someone
Deeper
But no content fills the hole
The void only empty, bleak
Without dreams, leaving nothing
As I am no-one at all

So mirror mirror on the wall
What is the point of being beautiful
When I can't even see my face
I can't reason
Can't think; can't float away
Only able to slide into you
To take others through
Then when I do, I seal
Their doom

Saturate, separate
Ideas and thoughts pieces to the clandestine key
Words that alienate
Not designed to instigate
Not written to please

Is it a crime to be blunt outside?
Ripping, tearing at the cracks
Existing without color inside
Immersed in blacks

Stuff us in this little box
Because we won't sing along
We'll never belong

We look out from a place you can't see
No-one here for company
But the shadows and sadness with us
Waiting to be freed

Are we the light when all is gone
The faith that right can become wrong
An onyx flame engulfing all
As a song trumpets a battle call
Leading to the fall

Are we the ones you want to fear
What makes us something to hate
Open up the box
To quickly peer inside
Releasing those within who hide:
Death, hope and disease

Born at the beginning of time
After the tree of life formed
Below water dripped and poured
Forming a well where hazel acorns fell
A salmon ate those seeds until he knew
Everything that's good and true
All the evil and vile strife
Forged from the infinity of life

Thus, he awaits in soft sunlight
By the blackened pool of night
In balmy days with sky blue
When storms strike, it is here he stays for you
Wading within the well in water still
Almost like he's pining for
A lover he once adored
Longing to see your face before he died

He knows your name and what you seek
He knows the path is long and bleak
He knows the stars guide you at night
He knows you are good, just and right

He knows that some will block your way
He knows some will force you to slay
He knows you are the one to free
The world from pain, death, and disease

So now you have come, simple one
He would shout out in high joy
But for the saddest of news
You must dine on freshly caught fish tonight
By the flicker and flames of soft firelight
By this blackened pool and well
His trap of infernal hell
You must eat his delicate flesh
To finally receive your wish

sun streaming through this open window
with the light hurting such tender eyes
weak from pains I can't even describe
I heave myself out of bed and go
to pull the shade

squinting, I jerk the window blind down
when my bared right arm swims into view
stains cover it in assorted hue
some are dark, almost black; others brown
dried; some spots fade

frozen in my tracks, let me think back
where was I last night? I can't recall
damn this dull ache throbbing in my skull
blotting out all faculty to grasp
a simple thought

pivot to return to my soft bed
where I can close these lids, rest some more
likely another stupid dream...sure
makes a great deal more sense to my head
than all of this

the weird scene before my eyes surprise
can't begin to detail what they meet
what they see, shock won't even compete
the floor, walls, sheets...nothing could describe
let me go blind

now, I remember, I realize
what occurred from the previous night
now, one thought pervades and stays this time
swirling, sickening inside my mind:
I wish that I
had died instead

I've given up on you for all time
Your little group--you and your friends
I don't belong; I don't fit in

I've given up on being the one
Who another person could love
I'm never right; I live in night

I've given every thought and each dream
Wasted on hopes I will not see
I can't survive; I can't believe

I've given every feeling for bliss
Loving you, needing your kiss
I'll not get it; I long to scream

I've given, given with only pain
Vainly returned just to be hurt
I want to hate; I want to curse

I've given myself to this despair
Go, I really no longer care
I feel nothing; I've gone insane

You've taken and taken, then you leave
Forsaken, you hope I'll disappear
I was miserable with you here

I'm still alive somehow, not dead yet
I won't cry now, you don't deserve it
I won't ever let you see me grieve
I will never let you see me bleed

Rushing water pours into cloth, then slowly trickles
Down it drops--plop, plop into the opening below
Ruddy, dank with foul odors to depths without fathom
Falling, spiraling globular sprinkles, one by one
Finally reach the bottom where they puddle luminous
In this deepest, darkest recess beneath the cellar

A shaft of light appears above, up in the cellar
When a door opens with a heavy clang--sound trickles,
Awakening the creature whose eyes, luminous,
Open in the chilled and forsaken space here below
Small pearls of sound beyond herself from any other one
Welcomed; cries of anguish stifle thoughts she can't fathom

Her delicate visage holds beauty with no fathom
Most would gasp in shock to see her below the cellar
Cowering on the floor, shivering, ravenous one
Denied food for so long, the hunger in waves trickles,
Flitting through her brain pushing everything else below
Transformed from strong to weak, yet still cruel and luminous

Long, red hair spills along her pale body, luminous
Even in dread night, no soul could resist nor fathom
Keeping her here, imprisoned, cageless yet caged below
She feels anger swell within her under this cellar
No thirst for any of these brackish, curdled trickles
This liquid that barely sustains or keeps alive one

Her fingers dig into damp soil, earth, the very one
Where she was buried long ago, so pure, luminous
Before her fall from grace from that wound where blood trickles,
Coagulates and stops the heart, yet springs forth fathoms
Desire to live again; now stuck beneath this cellar,
While this craving won't go--never can she rest below

She howls and writhes, pounds her fists into the ground below
Her hands evince numerous cuts, which heal one by one
She would crawl along these walls up into the cellar:
Drink blood; decapitate her captors, while luminous,
Cold eyes take in mute cries, deeply savor, fathomless;
Watch them slowly die, while on her mouth their blood trickles

Each day she plots revenge
When church organ music
Wafts down into her lair

Can I buy your soul since I don't have my own?
I don't want your flesh or your touch
Not even your love
You won't miss it much until you've grown old
Oh, you won't even care once it's gone

I can bring you luck, success
With such divine happiness
Glorious lights shining down
Bask as golden chimes ring out

I can bring darkness on those you hate
Make their fates worse than death
Punish them all as they cry to be saved
Take away their hopes; leave them blessed
With the blight of my chilled caress

I can leave you until the end
So you don't remember, my friend
Ignorance would truly be bliss
Until that final, fateful kiss
Oh yes, I'm sure that I would not be missed

Make up your mind soon
This offer will close
I don't make it to the old
Only those young enough
Who can give me what I want

Your soul is still so bright
A little bit of light
Left for me to savor
Innocently flavor

Don't wait too long
Your future could be grand
Untarnished
Here before the wave of my hand
For the price of a song

Remember, you own your soul
Nothing wrong, just let it go
No-one but you and I here
No need for dread or fear
Really, no-one else will ever know

Do you believe in God?
Or just American Jihad
What is love without a hug?
It’s a shove
Roll your shoulders as you shrug
The notion that devotion can reside
Anywhere else but the inside
It’s a lie

Is the heart on the sleeve?
Is it really that hard to believe?
Grieve for those that lose
The choice to choose
Grieve for those that win
Only to have it start over again

Do you believe in God?
Or just American Jihad
What is the purpose of war?
Without keeping score
No virgins in their sleep
Only mothers who weep
Nothing more than war
And nobody keeping score

God is the Belief
From misery comes relief
Allow no misguided thief
To send you astray
Be on your way and think of God
Or just American Jihad and how
It’s fought for you today

Sublime droplets of rain
Drizzle dewy freshness sink
Into the opened skin, then drain
Within the hollow of my being
My eyes wide, unseeing
Hushed before daylight's bitter decay

These sins are too great
No, never forgiven
These sins are too great
To comprehend this living,
Continue onward anymore:
Heartless, shadow, empty core

Heavy water pours
Through--fill up the soul
From their love, angels sob

A vessel, clay and shallow
Created to hold nourishment
Cracks beyond the surface; leaking out
Discolored, silvery substances
Warp and weaken the body
Sliding it slowly into damp ground

These sins are too harsh
To bear, remember...despair
These sins are too harsh
My heart, trying never to care,
Beating as the blood flows out
Silent screams echo and shout

Dear God, lead me not
Into temptation

Forgive me all
Each, every blasphemy
Forgive this life
Wrapped in cold, watery deceit
Forgive, forget
Take these memories, debts,
Regrets--leave me
Take all my pain away
Tear and rip; strip these clean
Every impure thought, obscene

Day passing away
So beautiful, so vague
Day passing away
Light phasing out between the lines
One second, forms bright, glimmer
Shudder then recover, shine

Now, suddenly blind
Without sight or mind

Falling into night
Magnificent in shadows
Falling into night
No voices crying now, silent
No prayers are forming now
No savior left to avow

My sins into me
My sins are me
My sins out of me
So all can be seen:
No longer hidden inside

I run with the kite in the field
All the stars shining brightly
The clear, moon-filled sky's expanse stretches wide
String trailing behind me

The kite lifts as I tug and pull
A sharp jerk, I don't let it go
Now, it's soaring high

I let out more cord as it sails
Above the ground, a sky ship
Colorful in day, by night delicate
Muted greys swerve and dip

Yellow tails flutter from the bow
As I slowly release more rope
How far can it fly?

Morning star on the horizon
Near where the sun will be rising
Dawn will soon arrive

I remove small silver scissors
Which glint in the twilight
Setting the spool of coil onto the ground
I look at the kite
Kneeling down on my knees
I snip the rope and release

"Lord, send my prayers to him please"

The kite, now free, rushes away
My letter tied up with it sways
With all of my hopes

Every single word I could say
I lay my head down on cool grass
To find peace at last

You were my baby
Tiny tabby cat
You were so dainty
Sitting on my lap

You followed me around
Grey inquisitive eyes
Slept gently beside me
In my bed every night

I held you tight
I couldn't let you go
You never got any bigger
Why didn't you grow

The vet said your heart
It wasn't strong enough
I heard it beating
While my own heart was bleeding

You died in that cold office
Only three months old
You were my baby
The sweetest cat I have known

Hear me out

This story starts long, long ago
When men roamed the earth on foot
Crossed seas with boats made of wood
Prayed to their gods for strong crops

A woman, lively and fair,
Combing her hair absently,
Into the courtyard lightly
Stepped without a thought or care

Wanton eyes her beauty spied
Dreadful blight inside this mind
No other maid could he find
Nor a more lush, ethereal bride

Hear my tale

Obsession spurs his action
He delights her with magic
Showing her card tricks, tragic
Plying her simple senses

Naive, sweet--a finer man
She had yet to ever meet
She bows, takes his hand to greet
Unrolls the glove on her hand

Kissing her pale skin, he smiles
Leads her dreamy, dazed, astray
Away from prying eyes, betrays
His guile succeeds;
Her throat bleeds

Hear her die

Golden hair, golden eyes
The happiest day of my life
The day you were born to me
The brightest flame I've ever seen

Your skin so soft; your breath so sweet
You place kisses onto my cheeks
Cuddle and sleep, hugging me tight
Dream with a smile through the night

Dark is not dark when you are here
Light is the brightest: I have no fear
I can't wait for every day
Watching you as you play

We dance and sing, run free
Picking dandelions with glee
Blowing the seeds out into the air
While pink ribbons float from your hair

I realize someday you will grow
Yes, I'll have to let you go
Until then, I bask in your light
Where all is good and right

The children are jumping rope here
Each skip on the sidewalk a heartbeat
A small girl drawing lines in chalk
Others play hide and seek

Soon our recess will be over
The bell will ring, we'll go back in
For another lesson to learn
We'll dream at the window
For summer's return

Time suspends in this instant
The loss of the innocent
A child falls down and gasps
The rest crowd around to stare
Teachers unaware
"Are you okay, what's the matter?"
Pale, the boy's hand grasps mine

I peer into his sad blue eyes
Confused, I don't understand in time
Silently I simply stand, see
Watch it all; part of me
Never to forget

Time must move onward, forward
Toward the mundane and plain
Memories in childhood
Bitter splashes on each page
So part of us all
Such pains in our past we recall
We grow up this way

Wandering, fading away
Leaves flutter and fly
The tree is broken, decayed
While this chill wind dies

I place myself on the ground
Resting these grave limbs
My thoughts in tumult, unsound
With images of him

He will not know, my chance lost,
My chance to say gone
My breath shivers, puffs of frost
Release a sad song

Wounded in my pride
Why do I always hide
Cover feelings with a smile
Pretending I'm fine for awhile

When will the mask slip
The walls crumble and rip
The emotions out, released
The despised lies finally cease

I am so tired on this earth
So frozen, so sad
Unsure what this life is worth
What joy can be had

I would leave here, get away
Yet nothing would change
Inside of me all is gray
Bitter, jaded, aged

Just a dead tree without leaves
I'm starkly outlined
I stay here until I freeze
When snow blankets me

On the playground swing, feet in the air
She's humming softly, flowing black hair
No other children play here today
Almost dark as the sky's color fades away

It's been a long day, too long, scary
No friends besides imaginary
To tell her secrets to
Why can't she just stay here forever
Floating on the wind, doing whatever
Without pain, without fear

Her head feels heavy

Singing with eyes closed, sway back, sway forth
She wants to sleep here, but can't of course
Where can she go when she can't go home
When she's sad and lonely and wholly alone

It's been the worst day of her short life
Worse than nightmares or screaming each night
What more can she do now
Who can she turn to without any friend
No-one to help her, just lies, pretend
All empty in the end

She wishes she were a princess
She wishes she were a goddess
(but she does know she can't ever be one)
She wishes she were an actress
(but she knows she won't be pretty enough)
She wishes she weren't even here

It's been a long day, too long, scary
No friends besides imaginary
Who can listen to her
Hear the thoughts she hides from the rest
Comfort with words of light, happiness
Help her create stories
Help her create stories

Help her escape

"I'd tell you how it haunts me" (AFI, This Time Imperfect)

indigo petals
softly line these satiny walls
distant music plays

colorful daisies
gaily swinging into the breeze
so bittersweet

where are you
only friend
so very lost
come again
with me here
cold inside
come back dear

while statues sleep
in daytime shadows cutting deep
from harsh sunlight

too bright your eyes
when suddenly emptied of life
vast pools of dark

time moves on
pain remains
here I stay
to await
no one else
lonely days
in my life of hell
with no breath

sad brown robin
flies by; flowers on your coffin
a last goodbye
is this the end?

emptiness

In that dark place inside
Where somber shadows spy
Deep into the unknown; down a rabbit hole
Turning and twisting
Thoughts collide

Stagnant after a heavy rain
Lie dreams within your brain
Waiting to be unveiled
Instead put onto another shelf
Forgotten, sad and still
Where only dusty remnants remain

Occasionally, a soft light shines
Bringing such joy into your eyes
Illuminating the very core
I reach out for your shimmering warmth
When suddenly, you jump with me
Off this highest cliff
Battering us into a vacant shore

Each time, picking up these fragments
Leaves me bruised, battered, bent
I can't piece us back again
Nor will I pretend this is sane
Until we both disappear
Becoming specters, empty and spent

Please follow me out of eternal night
Where angels carve out our light
Away from the unknown, guiding us both home
Loving and embracing
This Life

Bathed in blue light shining
Notes drifting down
Once heavenbound
You are whispering, sighing
Deep into my soul
Touching every spot

Clear into these wanton depths
Transparent and sheer
For once, without fear
No tears, no regret
I know: I'm finally whole
Ice cold melting hot

This night cannot last forever
Like a white swan's beauty fades
Cascading in gentle resplendent waves
With the sound dying out
Until not a single beat remains
And this heart is again silent

foam hope glistening
purity ripples
forms surfacing
empty space
trickles

directionless
vessel floating
moving yet motionless
time unbalanced
growing

swing pendulum
grains, sand drop
sleek momentum
wanting inertia
stop

dualistic halves
inside the void
good and bad
darkness, light
destroyed

displaced, dependent
disappearance
uncertainty's serpent
without a clear thought
coherence

disconnected lines
words strung
together with rhymes
spiraling into
one

shadowy figures blurring on the edge
a promise forever, a bond, a pledge
what is really meant to be or happenstance
in this world of depressed and lonely romance
where we search and search for partners for the dance

ashen outcast why do I adore you
standing in the cold amidst the frozen statues
isolated, grey and silver streaks
dead and dying, mourning, grief
colours draining as the blood slowly leaves

a poem or a song carried on the wind
within a storm of cold, soulless sin
passion burning as apathy in wane
bringing your heartless fire to wrack my brain
never hearing others, waiting for you to say my name

so here we stand apart in time
a chasm between, never meeting or mine
like a flower beneath the snow
is it dead forever, or will it soon grow?
once winter ends, will springtime show?

yes, I love you if love can exist
within a whisper of forlorn sadness
as my breath catching the breeze is hushed
cut short, a beating heart that's been crushed
which no hand had ever touched

so leave me now cruel mystery
I've been apt to think I'd found you
then divined lies, not truth
a wound spreading and deep
now, I lie broken
and weep

O wanton night
A vision so sublime and sweet
The delicious aroma of spilled blood
Heady as a drug
Upon my lips
I taste

I do not fear day
Nor the sun's golden rays pouring down
Like a sea of scorching raindrops to cleanse me
It is the light
On my face
I hate

Darkness and shadow
In these I adore: I transgress deftly
Enchanting subtle steps fall on dimlit streets
Alleyways where I watch
Visions of sin
I partake

Cursed, lost children
He cannot save you anymore than I
Your names were written in the Book of Death
Doomed for all time
Into the abyss
I enslave

Unclean flesh ripens
Forbidden fruits so eager to be picked
Drinking in your souls until each
Become void, empty, cold
Such a lovely vision
I behold

Empty as I Am
Garbage into a trash can
Swept away into the wastes
Beautiful bodies form a corpse's embrace
Easy to replace
I mold

Eternal night calls
Life without any life falls
Creating by destroying all
Leaving no trace of light
In death's pall

Love is a beautiful dream
A butterfly released to alight on gossamer wings
A warm blossom unfurling petals at night
Moist dewdrops;
Golden birds in flight

Love is a beautiful dream
A reverie of what life should be
Soft sunlight drenches a sandy shore
Lapping water;
A note clear and pure

Slumber my sweet, precious one
Believe in true peace when bitterness comes
Always know hope is there
The world fades away;
Without a thought or care

Here and now not where and when
Love the life you have been given
Love those who are your friends
Create and dream in fantasy's realm
Where true genius within each of us dwells

Love is a beautiful dream
A sparkling champagne or pink lemonade
Light laughter escaping your lips
A red balloon;
Your first soft kiss

Love is a beautiful dream:
Join me there so we can both see
As we walk along that sandy shore in the moonrise
A lighthouse beacon;
Watching the world through your eyes

meandering slowly
amongst the crowds in the streets
looking about me at all the faces
their lives rushed and demanding
walking alone, unnoticed
I carry my life heavy upon my shoulders
there are no smiles
no eyes looking at another
just pushing and shoving to get to nowhere
fast
life's struggles and quests to meet ends
without purpose
without gain
living in a rat maze
waiting for the next dangling piece of cheese
i look about
everyone going forward in a rush
without purpose
as i stand still and alone
wondering hopelessly
is my life without purpose too

Would you love me if I love you
Hug me if I hug you
Touch me softly on the lips
Hold my hand then softly kiss

I have aged for eternity
Wisdom isn't the same to me
It isn't something cherished or dear
Only something that keeps me here

I would trade every single day
Of studying and learning things
Which now leave me alone
Walking pages in books I own

I don't know who I am
Nor who I should have been
I only know that I want you
Not who you are or what to do

Would you love me if I love you
While you touch me softly on the lips
And hold my hand as we kiss
Please hug me so I'll know who

We are each of us born with a purity of spirt
No baggage to weigh down our claim
Bright eyes to a golden flame
The world open wide: Nothing to fear in it

When does our innocence wane?
The first day we hear our parents yell at each other
The first cruel words said from a lover
In our school days, when a bully calls us a name

Our soul slowly rips and hides for cover
The negative forces gather in droves
Filling our heart with lost hopes
Telling us we'll never be a good father or mother

Despair becomes a slippery slope
Falling further and further from our beginning
Dark clouds, loneliness winning
Finally, our depression makes us no better than Merope

We can no longer stop our sinning
We give our soul away forever
Believe we deserve no better
Our life out of control, spinning

Once we recognize these cruel fetters
Dampened eyes cleared from numerous tears
Our thoughts wiped clean from our fears
We can redeem our past from all debtors

Slowly, we can rise to face our peers
Repair our battered and vacant soul
Grab it back; become bold
In good actions over years and years

Yet even repaired and redeemed, we still contain holes
Cracks for past bad acts
For purity cannot be bought back
The damaged soul can never be whole

I wish I could snore like Dumbledore
In his study at night
He's sleeping soundly
Muttering loudly
About socks

I wish I could see like Trelawney
She's up in the heavens above
Looks more like a bug than a dove
Peering into her crystal ball
Predicting danger for us all

I wish I could fly like Harry
Spinning around on a broom
Whoosh, zing, zoom
Halfway up to the moon
Even if some wizards think he's a loon

I am glad I'm not like Voldemort
He's too tall; I'm short
I wouldn't want to be feared
Everyone calling me other names
Running quickly away

I wish I could meet Severus Snape
I really do think he's great
Brilliant and witty
Private lessons would be giddy
I wouldn't even mind having detention every night

That's enough rhyming for now
Maybe later we can ponder
On the Marauders;
Lily and James Potter
Until then

Will you love me in the morning
As you did softly in the night
Listening as the rain drops were pouring
Holding me tight

Where did the magic go
I felt the enchantment pull me along
Knowing another's soul
Is what we did so wrong?

Will we meet next as strangers
Pretend and look away
What a world of dangers
When love is just a game

Touch my hand one last time
Before we part today
I promise not to cry
Nor to let the pain betray

Your life and mine
Together we could live
Instead will we divide
One beautiful memory only to give,
Or a sin to forgive

Do you stand by the gate and watch
As the world passes by
Singing a sad song
Hiding tears, waving goodbye

Do you watch the children playing
Having fun as each year rolls on
Or, see the lovers holding hands
Kissing as they stroll along

Do you notice the old man walking his dog
He has a silver cane and his steps are slow
The dog yanks him to go faster
But time is precious this old man knows

Can you see me watching you
I am always here, too
Standing at another gate in shadow
Never going anywhere; nothing to do

We could come out together
Greet as old friends would
Meet in the park and talk
Stroll along these cracked, lonely sidewalks

We will never do this, though
Always imprisoned in watching the world
Never joining, never leaving
Always standing still

I

As I listen to the night
In silence, in calm
Worries of the day pass away
Lights fade as I slip into shade
On the edge of my mind

Softly take my hand
Freedom is on our lips
Dancing in the moonlight
Amongst the embers

Rainbows glitter in the day
What gentle light waves
Exist in nighttime gloom
To cascade in gentle rays
Up to the crescent moon

Fireflies and feathery moths
Colors darkened within muted tones
In the still, what a thrill
To close your eyes
To slip away
To take the final boat ride
To that final place

A final breath; a final thought
Hovering above me now
Takes its last long journey
Releasing into the air
On the periphery
Branching out, then rejoining there

II

On the edge
My mind
Periphery
Not just a state or time

I don't know you
Even though you stare back
In my mirror
You appear there
But you are not my face

I don't recognize you
Not a single trace
My life is gone now
I only feel an empty place
A bitter aftertaste

I'm sinking
Sometimes slowly
Other times quicker than sand
Into my dreams
In a far off land

I can't feel myself
I don't see you
I can't even talk without mumbling
Incoherent
Thoughts askew

III

Who will I be
When life ends
No longer human
Suddenly a cherished
Or a departed friend

Who will I become
When thoughts are all to remain
Firing neurons stop
The heart ceasing to pump

Can a thought carry on forever
Outside the mind
Printed on a page; written online

IV

So my soul should finally leave
Like a butterfly dancing in a tree
Exiting its cocoon
To fly floating into the wind
Beautiful; free again

Then will there be light or will all be dark
The current world replaced
To what end or what waste
Will that eternal periphery of life embrace

Selfishly
Greedy me
where everything, everyone
directly relates to one
world revolving around the sun
Who I am

I never have a life
as much as I berate
moan and groan, deprecate

I'll never be a wife
who then can I blame?
sitting alone, every day the same

Here again in this poem
talking about myself
focusing on the shell
where cracks dwell
where parts are broken

The future is not with me
nor in my hands
the future lies dormant
without any seeds
abandoned plans

So if I never have a life
How can I complain?
Is this a shame?

Yes, I'll never have a child
but always be my own
never fully grown

Selfishly
Greedy me
I could be someone
instead I focus intently
on what I'll never be
Who I am

old and new, waiting for you
over the hills and under the sun
waiting for you as life has just begun
waiting for you as long as can be
waiting for you and waiting for me

here again we go together my friend
through these woods deep as sorrow
here again we travel away into every day
through mountains and glens unto tomorrow

gilding and golden, sapling in green
dusty and dark, white into stark
the colors abound throughout our journey
spreading into our hearts at what has been seen
making us age at wisdom's stages

here we shall see all of life's majesty
in the oceans and ponds and what is beyond
footsteps echoing onto hard ground
voices fading out until they have no sound

finally we arrive where we started before
facing each other the same as we changed
one of us lives, one of us cries
the other lies down in the cold ground and dies

I

Should I wait to tell you too late (or not at all)
How you are the one who I love
I have thoughts of no other man
Only you should make me happy or sad

But as I debate, time turns her naked eyes
Forcing me to face this vacant life
Where, without you, the memories dully line the walls
In a chamber as empty as it is small

I have no desire to forget this fire
For the passion which keeps me awake each night
Which harkens your face to my mind
Has stirred the true spirit inside

Yet, the fear and doubt do never cease
I cannot banish them by any pleas
Would I rather to let you go,
Then to allow my heart to show?

Rejection is a constant barrier to my designs,
To these facts of love I try to hide
After all, if I am unsure of myself
Why should I put us both through hell

But purity does not guide me from you
For my departure is one of the two evils I choose
No matter if we were really meant to be
Nothing can take me from this path I lead

II

My dear, I can but call you here
Any other sign could tell my mind
Would say how I long to touch
To hold you close, my love

I am jealous due to my dependence
A smile from your eyes makes my soul fly
Out of the recesses I despise
To the light, until now, I have denied

I could gaze at you all day
And never, ever turn away
Soft, gentle as a quiet rain
I only hide from the pain

What truly prevents the wind
From consuming me with sin?
What hides the moon from sight
Except clouds on a starless night

Perhaps, one of the stars was ours.
As I face to the North
You are looking down
To the cold joining me in the ground

For you are dark and sky
As I am earth and fire
A fire so frigid to make the bones rigid
That none but I shall ever miss it

III

Will you come to me if I ask
If I release my mask
Or, would you step gingerly back
As a silent reproach

My mind does not really know
Which direction you should go
So I dare not broach the subject
I dare yet hope and hope

Still, I may not regret
Our first chance encounter
Not everyone lives happily ever after
Like a perfect couple, together

I would have been willing to accept anything
My death I should prefer
Than to not have you here
To not see your face every day

I do not care what the rest the world would say
If you should call my name feeling the same inside
If you would tell me that your love is guarded by pride,
Making you unable to look my way, unable to stay

My thoughts are no clearer than before
Each sunrise reminds me of the time left
Of the months I have you by my side
When you have gone, will I ever see you again?

Hear my heart to sing to me
As stars sink slowly on the horizon
As the moon slowly drifts away
As the sun softly rises

See my eyes, look at me for once
Not thinking of you or your wants
Only to me, inside me, to see who I am
Touching my private thoughts

Believe in me and my dreams
Lift me up to the horizon
On a pedestal of gold blazing toward the sun
To envelop me in warmth

Tell me who you are now, my love
Let me know you as you have known me
Intimate, souls combining
Merging and yet unique

Hear our hearts singing together
As stars slowly rise in the night sky
As the moon emerges from shadow
Clear and bright shining over eternity

Incense burns nearby wafting, assaulting me in heady daze
Colors coalesce, shift within vibrant hues
Then blaze then dull to swerve to greys
Noises drift off as I turn into a side street

Cobblestones crumbling lined by stark walls
A faint humming from an open window
Where laundry hangs flapping in the breeze
Even more distant horns beeping, voices call
From the marketplace where vendors and patrons meet

My steps are random, slow and unsure
Thoughts trying to form into a single line
What dark melody in my mind does then bestir
With a single word paramount, a single place lost in doubt

To understand my musings, when the lure of possibility takes hold
How trains of thought are found then lost
How dreams spin in and out
First hear the story then decide

Once upon a time there was a maiden who had a dream
In that dream she is me, living a few years hence
In a land on the coast of Africa where green valleys drop into the sea
In a white house on a hill above the valley
In a place where the inhabitants speak Portuguese

At night, she hears the rumbling cacophony of voices plaguing outside
Wanders into the moon-filled night; finds no soul but silence and breeze
Daily, a handsome Portuguese man visits, a scholar from the nearby college
They sit together on a wood bench gazing out into the open, empty valley below

One cool night, she opens her window to find him standing there
He beckons her to follow and she comes outside in drowsy trance
They move towards the valley, below she sees men dressed in pale green armor
Shields lifted high, the army points arrowed shafts slipped on thin, hardy bows

In the far distance she sees a temple gleaming white with a dome
The man holds out his hand, so she does not fear the arrows
He leads her slowly down the hill while the phantom troops disappear
Together, they approach the five-sided building

The doors open
Inside golden recesses gleam
She sees everything for an instant
Then she awakes suddenly, becoming me once again
Back to reality and to ponder if it really exists
Pouring over maps, looking for this lost treasure of antiquity

Someday some future me might find
In this or another lifetime
That beautiful palace--the temple of white
To roam amongst ghosts in the pale moonlit night

Melody without any music plays in my head today
A faded, melancholic tune repeating senselessly
Streaming thoughts with distant patterns continue endlessly
I have tried too many times to banish them away
without success

Hapless happenstance; hopeless circumstance equally moot
Sitting and silently waiting while nothing truly changes
Stout walls, a half-cracked mirror, books with yellow and curled pages
Dreams of long ago have lost their romance or truth
only to regress

Drying, wasted tears redden on a parched and paling face
The fears of all the days leading onward cling to each other
Where I am alone without any friends, without a lover
Soon to rest as one none would remember or trace
with no caress

A size increase and rising,
I’m going up the scale
And starting to resemble
A not so baby whale.
Bulging breasts and belly,
A waist no longer neat,
I’m worried that one day I’ll lose
The sight of my own feet.

The diet books all tell me
That I should still be striving
To wear those dresses once well loved
And bathing suits for diving.
But when I try a dress on,
I see with much alarm
I look just like a bus I once saw,
Backing out of a barn.

The woman at the sports shop
Said that track-pants were quite good
At hiding lots of extra pounds
And that perhaps I should
Take up the chance and don’t delay
And very quickly grab
The chance to buy a weight machine
And take off all that flab.

I was quite shocked to hear her speak
Those words of good advice
And glared and snarled and snapped my teeth
And said she would be wise
To in the future keep her mouth
Securely closed and say,
“Now Madam, here’s your change,
And have a very pleasant day.”

I know that in my own mind’s eye
I still contrive to see
The slim and trim and beautiful
Young thing I used to be.
And though the outer me has changed
In every single part
The beautiful, young girl lives on,
Forever in my heart.

I stabbed you with my frozen heart
I stabbed and stabbed till it burst apart
bits of it went into your brain
to laugh at all your future pain
bits of it went in your soul
to putrefy till you are old
a virus for which there is no cure
my voice will echo in your head
until you wish that you were dead

In the country,
despite the prevalence of paddocks
and an abundance of green grass,
ducks always stand on the road.

They watch as you approach
in your hurtling, metal machine,
their beaks wide open,
going “Ah, ah, ah!”
in their ducky way.

I like ducks.
I like their waggly tails
and their waddly walk,
so like my own.
I like their flat feet
and their slender, periscope necks.
I like their smiley beaks
and their brown eyes.
I like their open optimism.

One day while driving,
I hit one as it stood on the road.

Broken winged,
it lay there watching me walk towards it.
It watched me with its brown eyes,
its beak wide open,
going “Ah, ah, ah!”
as I wrung its rubbery neck.

The children watched in a row,
staring from the the back window,
their white faces,
their wide eyes,
their round mouths
going “Oh, oh, oh!”
They said I was a cruel person,
the concept of mercy yet absent in their minds.

I hid its warm, limp body
tenderly in the long grass.
But when I passed by again,
a hawk was feeding.

Somewhere on the breeze a crow sings
High above the river lying below it's spread wings
Winding, wending, see it go
There's a leaf on the current
Now fast
Then swinging slow under branches
Through shadows of evening glow
Fortunate, inanimate, no sentience to know.

Cannot know
Cannot hear the long, low, creek
See the shadows
Smell the reek
Cannot know the bodies
The washing on the line
Twined to their gibbet
Courage and strength gone
The humanity they used to exhibit

As with stabbing and rending
With the tearing at flesh
With the pecking of the eyes of the men without breath
These flurries of dark things
None of them sing
They're big, black, monsters with wings

And the leaf passes on unaware of these things
Meandering
Circling in rings
Drifting on to new places
Pleasant things
Children's feet, dangling from rope swings
Couples in boats, a castle with a golden moat
Long summer feasts
A lutes quite notes
And somewhere on the breeze a crow sings

The girls were excited when they got the word
That Elvis was coming to visit their herd.
When that virile young guy said he'd give them a burst,
They giggled and shuffled and all said "Me first!"

Oh, Elvis, Elvis,
Wriggle your pelvis,
Elvis, Elvis,
Moan and roar.
Oh, Elvis, Elvis,
All the girls love you,
All they can do is moo
“More, more, more!”

The girls all admire him, cause he's so good-looking,
But not only that, he's intelligent, too.
He opened the gate up one day when they asked him
If they could have fresh, green, new paddock to chew.

Oh, Elvis, Elvis,
Wriggle your pelvis, etc

He came in the garden, admired all the roses
And looked through the window at David
He couldn't quite see what the fuss was about
When that man rushed out looking quite rabid.

Oh, Elvis, Elvis,
Wriggle your pelvis, etc

And now he's farewelled us, the great guy has gone
But for fruits of his visit we won't wait too long.
I see in my mind's eye a wonderful sight;
A whole field of wee Elvis's, black, red and white.

Oh, Elvis, Elvis,
Wriggle your pelvis,
Elvis, Elvis,
Moan and roar.
Oh, Elvis, Elvis,
All the girls love you,
All they can do is moo
"More, more, more!"

Hope wears a white plastic bag over her head,
No one pays attention to her
Pink shoes and pale green stockings,
Or the baby-poo-brown kilt.
From waist up till the white plastic,
She is naked. Her breasts sagging
Nipples brown and dry, hard from the cold.

Sometimes she stands in the corner of
St. Mary’s St. and Chapel Road,
The passers-by stare at her.
Shrugging their shoulders they hurry past.
Every stranger's line ‘Are you alright, darling’
She replies ‘Next please.’ Out of her head,
They say, skirting on, weary of the world.
Hoping, someone else will take care of her.

When it rains she holds her umbrella so
You feel the water dripping down your neck
As she stands behind you in the traffic lights;
When they turn green, you run for it
She remains behind, standing and people
Flood by her both sides.

The bridge is the edge. I don’t cross it.
I step on it, I stand on it,
But I never set my feet
On the other side.

Below me, the water flows:
Comes – and goes.
The snow still holds the dark places
Behind the rock in the frozen stream.
The spring wind rattles the dead leaves
Whisks, tosses - in the water flying.

The birds sing their freedom song
In the stranded sound of the city.
I wonder where the leaves go.
To the sea? If they’re lucky
– they’re free.

Let warmth of day hold you -
Coldness of night never touch you.
What we shared shall last.

In the end we'll meet again.

Cold spot by your side;
No hand to hold, no face to see.
You never wander alone.

In the end time is never enough;
Look back and remember the life.

Until we meet again -
Time is never enough.

Tears are water for the growing plant,
Let them come, you need them tonight.
Lonely years ahead, memories alight.

Until we meet again
In the end
Time is never enough.

I reach out silently, to what? A dream, a hope, a myth
Words and play and empty searching
In place of, to run from. Not running to

I reach out, but don't. Pull back, just short of
The Cliff, Reality, Sharing

The Truth

I hold that in my hand. It’s heavy
It’s hidden in time warp, in protected files
Pieces given, in code, or not. Entrusted with hope
But not with peace

The truth is there, in layers
You could see it
If you were looking

I want to be free
Floating in silvery bubbles
Pop, pop, pop
Tickling my tender skin

I want to roll and loll
Giggle at will
Think and sigh and smile at you

Scatter silly bubbles over your way
Hold your hand as we sail away

I want to be beautiful
In your eyes alone
Move close to me
We can hum our way home

Never mind if it's all off key
When I hear your voice
I know I am free

Like infinity unfolding
The space between open up
The sky's maw grins wide
And the heavens spill themselves
Upon the manifestation of my mind

I open my eyes as i fall awake
A normal oddity, a common rarity
No longer do i drown in the sunshine of you Smile

Cast adrift upon the endless tides of a forever Ocean
I land upon Your beautiful shores
Shipwrecked forevermore
Isolated within the the island of your
Love

I will ask for much
But never for more

He said "all that was, is now done"
"Sorry, babe you just ain't the one."

She said "oh, that is ok"
"Been flat, for awhile any way"

Her chirpy fingers type, LOL
Her soul has slowly gone grey

He said "We'll be friends forever"
She types on "could it get any better?"

She is now vitriolic inside.
There is no smile in her eyes.

He thinks it has gone very well
No mess to clean up, no hell

she is now a pit dark as night
Crying out to the vanishing light

I hope you dick goes limp

I hope she laughs when you think
I hope she rips out your soul
I hope you never grow old
I hope she is full of acid rain
I hope she gives you my pain

[page]

Web Life Part II

His name pops up on her screen
And joy is mixed with her spleen
She slowly counts to 10
Then hales with a cheery hello
Leaden seconds tick by one by one
Till he says "Oh hi, how's it goin"
She lies as she types "Just great"
She hates feeling the joy
Hates feeling anything at all
He says" I can't stay for long"
"I off with Cathy and Sean"
She can hear his sigh in her mind.
"Why can't women leave things to die?"
He says "Hey I'll catch you real soon"
His name vanishes into the gloom
She clutches her hands in her lap
Knowing he will block out her name
She saves the few lines of text

The screen blurs out in her rain
A world gone dim in her pain

[page]

Web Life Part III

She swam in a sea of her making
Full of spikes of self-deprecation
She was use to the arrows of pain
Despair had become an old friend

She went down on the curb with a thump
In the wet she sat like a lump
He lifted her up with ease
Eyes empty and distant and dim
Looked blankly away through him

He gathered her apples and peas
Tucked her hand in the crook of his sleeve
Took her off for coffee and cake
Talking on in a gentle way
His smile bathed her face in its light
And nicked away at her night

His kindness burned like a brand
Made her long to be human again

Drunkard's curses
Bully's shouts

We will not surrender
We will not die
We will not listen to your lies
We will not let you steal our soul
We will not fill your empty bowl

You cannot smother out our joy
You cannot eclipse our own small world

Drunkard's curses fly round the house
Seeking out our hiding places
Bitter words to break us down
Hurled against immobile faces

Sadly you don't understand
you're just a cipher in the sand

Golden dust motes in the sun
We rise
And glow
Another day won

Light in haze of grey fog off finger of wooded shore...

Night not quite day not quite night

Scene of faded watercolour monochrome
Tinted with strange muted colour
Red amber exclamation of shooting flames centre on voices
Circular, punctuated by rythmn...

Mind that wanders with sight
Ridge of sillouhetted darkness,
The skeletal dancing needled forms frozen against pewter sky.

A figure stops to blend
Mind locks with vision
All moves to back while time freezes, blood pulses

Minutes to hours to seconds and back
Moving form against sky...
But tangible -- to join circular song...

While eyes without being
Which watched have faded
Into encroaching midnight of solstice day

And darkness comes like a breath drawn Then exhaled as dawn tinges sky
And presence fades out like the light, leaving eyes still staring...

Voices raised as another shadow figure spirit
Slips away into night...

Night not quite day not quite night

Growing from the land
By the hand of endless numbers
On stone, from stone, by tree, of tree...
That which takes wood and rock,
Condenses it,
Then springs from it

To stand empty like a gazing glass
Asking all to look in, then enter...
Promising sound, clear tones,
Pounding rhythm,
Turning, turning, turning...

Glass breaks like frost tracery
Forming on window...
Panes of clear colour...
Arabesques form life, form fire, form air...
While within is strangely silent...

Pyramid apex open to the sky
Yet supporting it
Letting notes rise like smoke to the wind hole
To spread down and rush over rafters
Eddying and dropping
Enveloping a sudden pulse...
Pulse turns to movement,
To emotion

Figures with senses open
To drink of the moment... To sway with the power, the passion...
Or one note...
Like a clear crystal drop
Striking hollow pond in hollow hill

Hill made of tree, of stone, of vitreous molten sand
Formed of the earth and from the earth...
Embracing all breaths and souls,
Jewels of sound, silver movement,
Whisper of life itself...
And of Silence...

A universal dream...
Interpreted by spirit
Like each thought in individual mind
Smiled at, tears fall...
Sound rises...sounds falls...
A piercing gaze
Lands once on transfixed eyes...
Holds....sees or turns and lies.
Space empty... lights fall...

A cold breath of winter blows across a deserted street.
Lamps muted light shines off mirrored dampness
On black pitted asphalt.
One man walks,
Head down
Collar up against the night,
His mind set on sleep.

Where creeps death in silent alleyways
But in our imaginations...
As we walk from the warmth of smoke hazed rooms,
The laughter of friends,
The sweat of damp glasses...

It creeps only in the depths of our subconscious,
Like silent cancer eating away
At those fibres without sensation.
When the nerves and the reality are finally gnawed upon...
The shock blinds us to the inevitable blow...
Too late to retaliate.

Such is the one man walking against the night...
Against the cold...
Unaware of what stalks him...
Unaware of that which lurks
In the darkness of his subconscious,
In the recesses of his spirit,
In the very fabric of his humanity...
Quivering intangible in wet air around him.

Is it within or without?
A cold breath of winter blows through deserted night...
The flame of a candle is extinguished.

Thus is dead man walking...

The way forward
Thought about ten fold
The straight road
Much travelled
Rutted by young and old

Feet without fear, hearts without dread
While somewhere in the middle
Unbold
Again I make a sidestep

Close to crumbling
Ready to fold
The sidestep to keep fear on hold
Second to second, day to day
Dice that should tumble, rest and stay

How long?
Just another day!
That reiterated cry, again, again
In place of the straight way

Burning brightly
in sunlight and darkness
A flame is ablaze in their hearts
it is not extinguished
Lies and misunderstandings
melt like wax, transforming
into truth and understanding
The beauty within them burns

These flames are not set upon an altar;
they blaze within flesh and bone
Waking those who have fallen asleep
in cynicism and apathy,
Reminding them that the flame burns in them, too

How can people believe they are alone
when this beautiful fire glows in and around them?
When they touch and are touched
with words and gestures dipped in this light?

The ones who burn do not life in a fantasy world,
I dare say they are torn, battered and bruised,
scarred from fighting the demons of doubt and despair

Constantly they fall and constantly the rise.
Quietly, steadily, they strengthen those around them
without even knowing it.

I felt the pain. on my pillow
As i crashed int an innocent oblivion
I saw the sunshine as the people
Painted and created their world

I wonder what all this means
To be obsolete in time?
When power slips away
And the chosenb never shine!

Pretty people painted for the day
Golden globes and silken robes
Inflicted upon the sunlit world
And the multitudes linger longer here!

Turn the lights down low
Way down low
Turn the T.V. off
Let my mind flow

Strange, i'm half starveds
(Self induced)
Half dead perhaps? I don't know!
Thoughts crowd my mind

What does it matter?
Each day folds it's self...
Into a crumpled heap
Sleep
Tries to straighten

I woke to find
The sun, had gone
Opened my eyes
To see, a darker world

Happy people that i used to meet
All vanished, in the mist of time
Empty and cold, the once busy street
Empty and cold, this town of mine

Should i see what i can't?
Should i know, what i don't?
Simple truth, twisted out of recognition!
Simple truth? So hard to believe
What happened here?
Where did it go?
What happened, to my home?
I just don't know!

The sun never rises
Yet the stars never shine!
Drift on bt
But that's fine!

I don't belong here any more
The man came knocking at my door
I told him, "i don't live here any more"

Slight lie, i know
But it's time to go
Mind, Body, Heart and Soul
Find my home, that's my goal

Then i'll wake
To see the sun shine
Open my eyes
To a brighter day!

Happy bird song
Where love is strong!
Forever

All is quiet, silent and still
The moon glares yellow
Over auburn hills
Wind whipped clouds flow wispily slow
Away from nowhere
To nowhere they go

Broccoli trees, in the distance seem low
Dwarfed by mountains capped with snow
The houses of birds cradled in their boughs
But all are now silent
Not a croak from their mouths

It's the hour of thieves
And insomniac thrills
Clandestine meetings of lovers
And still, not a soul to be seen
The world could be dead
Devoid of humanity
Bereft of mans bread

Still it's only for a while
Till morns golden throws
When the world is bathed in fiery red glow
Then the moon hides his face from mortal sight
Awaiting the coming
The coming of night

Sitting pen in hand
Jotting details down with glee
As the duchess of Kirkcaldy
And the sugar plumb fairy
Daintily sip their tea
What would Tchaikovsky say if he could see?
Lennon smiling writing
In a style so liberal
And free?

No constraints of a Czar
His thought less leashed
Working with George, Paul and Ringo
Their music spread akimbo
The masses thought they breached

Songs uncluttered simple
Even out of key
Necessitate no travesty
To be caught in its net
With limpet like grip
Melodies uneasy, hard to forget
Different from classical majesty

I love both well
New and old the fantasy unfolds
They glitter and are gold
So I'll listen and wish I could be
A Lennon or Tchaikovsky

Blue
Life giving water
The glory reflected in the vaulted sky
Not as sad as made out
Consider life without blue a time of drought
No calm just shouts
No more contemplation

Yellow
What can be said about it?
Does it taste like grit?
And sting like mustard?
It is hope in a seed
Confidence to go forward
The pollen allowing shoots to bloom
In the trees many bowered

Green
Queen of envy indignant and proud
Jealous and poisonous
In a liars shroud
Sick, septic, stagnant
But green is also growing
Wild and free
Embodiment of life is
The leafs love for the tree
A grassy green garden is vibrant to see

Red
Sunburst, fire and flame
War with no rest ceaseless without wane
Rampant bullying
Blood and pain
But red is warmth,
Red is light
Shot with many flashes
Endevourous dashes
Rhythms and euphoria
Young and daring in the first light of dawn

If there's a god, he cannot judge me.
For thinking him never or ever to be.
I think as I think and do as I see
If that is wrong or misguided.
It's free.

Should he shut the gates and see me cry
Wither my spirit and send me to hell
Watch as all hopes die.
Then I shall know him well.

False is a god who condems misbelief
Who rewards freewill with fire and grief.
True is a god, who sees his gift
That allows difference and paths that split
And turns all fear to relief.

If the time comes, that I am proved wrong
I hope that being is true,
for without forgivness we are all proved wrong
And that god is not worth me and you.